Realm Of Words

 If you had chosen a superpower, what would you have? I can't tell. Living for a long time is not my dream since I love sleeping very much. A skill to be invisible? I don't think I need it since I don't have any willingness to eavesdrops. And how would you utilize that information you got? I have no idea. Then, I suppose, stopping time is what I want. Since I have wasted it much.  But somehow, I know what my current skill is. It's chasing away people. I am good at ignoring and making them annoyed and leave me. Is it a skill? But is it a skill or a mere weakness? Or you can make it as an excuse: My weakness is my strength, heh. No, honestly, I learn to accept this dark side of mine. Learning and understanding this specific person is a real struggle. And now I realize the gravity of my stupidity. Still, chasing people away by lying is not actually my thing. Will I be punished afterlife for this? I do regret. I was wrong and deeply apologize. Sorry for being childish and d...

 I wonder. Why I feel this way. Everything seems messed up. I remember that day, I don't feel right about our relationship. It felt grayish. You message me as if I am someone. But, we progressed nowhere. Perhaps, It was just a play? Or solely a friend? But I don't think that is what a friend supposed to be. Then, I found the easiest way, to cut down our channel by saying I would get married. I didn't like your taste of humor and that stuck relationship. I had a feeling that you too, didn't have any intentions or courage to escalate it into the next level. So I lied. I said that I had found someone, and I would send you an invitation. I asked your address but ended up sending nothing. Because the truth is there is no marriage.  It's been five years, hasn't it? And We completely become stranger. No message sent at all. All is cut off. Do you have any clue that it was a lie? Now, I kind of regret it. I wasn't supposed to tell you a lie. However, I don't hav...

 Seberapa jauh perjalanan yang perlu ditempuh untuk sampai? Ketika memikirkan hal ini, semuanya akan terasa berat. Pikiran, dan hati akan tebebani karena pandangan dipenuhi oleh ribuan langkah yang mesti ditempuh untuk tiba di tujuan. Ada juga yang tidak tahu sama sekali tentang tujuan mereka. Tak tahu kemana melangkah, tiap langkah kecilnya selalu diikuti ketakutan. Hingga kita kadang memutuskan untuk ambil jalan termudah, tidak melakukan apa-apa.  Namun, tidak melakukan apa-apa bukan berarti kamu tidak kemana-mana. Waktu akan menyeret kamu, ke tempat yang sama sekali tidak terprediksi, yang acap kali berupa tempat yang tidak mengenakkan, penyesalan. Tulisan ini adalah peringatan dan juga ajakan untuk diri sendiri yang kerap tak sengaja terlelap dan tak melakukan apapun.  Kalau boleh jujur berpendapat, sepertinya pikiranmu sudah terlalu terkontaminasi oleh keragu-raguan kronis. Ketidakpercayaandirimu sudah terlalu kronis, sepertinya. Bukan tanpa dasar sih, aku bicara dem...

 I would like to remind myself to expect less to anything in this world. Nurturing yourself and accepting that emptiness. It can't be helped that I feel overwhelmed. Look back into my track record I catch more unfinished works than finished ones. That long list of unfinished things burdened me hard and prevent me from moving any further. My head cluttered, just like my room. How to sort significant and insignificant? Important and unimportant ones? Frequently, I feel that things are made for a purpose, even for a piece of trash. Probably, that's why I keep a piece of useless receipt, empty tube or packages. On the other hand, I also think that I have trashed this earth too much. 

Do you mind making your private room to be public room? Open for public means anyone can enter to it. No need any permission. And maybe you need to accept the fact that your deepest part of you can be accessed by anybody. You don't have any right to be angry or resent people who visit that place. Because it was you who chose to be exposed. But in exchange you will get some bucks to buy coffee. It's supposed to be beneficial thing that don't need to be thought twice. However, I am a person who is overthinking. Any plan or thing goes through a long audit process to finally become a decision. I need to consider about what I feel, and etcetera and etcetera. Perhaps, that is why I feel difficulties to make a decision. I prefer to hang on the plan rather than decide them to be a conclusion and take the action. What a mess. Sometimes because of that I become so frustrated and useless. By the end of this year, I should plan a rigid plan to change most of my bad habit. Hopefully, I ...

Nervousness becomes a kind of daily emotion that I feel. Actually, could someone become very familiar with this kind of feeling? Until today, I don't quite understand what the reason is behind the feeling. Is it the fear of making mistakes? Or another thing? But the thing is, I feel tired to feel it every day. Is it the part of adaptation? As I try to put myself in the stress condition? The thing is, sometimes it is quite difficult to take control after making mistakes. Even though I have tried to whisper some affirmative words, The distracting feelings are still lingering. Can I someday, just embrace this feeling, and make friend with it? Can I actually have a friendly dialogue with them?  Ok, let me try, then. Dear the discouraging feeling. Why are you so persistent? Is there any matter that you want to deliver to me? I think it is true that I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities on my shoulders. I worried that I couldn't give the correct insight for my students. I feel k...