An Important Conversation

I need a real talk with you right now. I am thinking about writing a blog post for him. But do you think it’s necessary?

“Well, it depends on your intention. What is your intention? His attention? Reconciliation? Or just a revelation? If your reason is the last one, revelation to support him, I guess, it is okay. You were the one who spitted the venom, weren’t you? You can wish to Allah for another miracle that that person will come across this blog. But never expect anything else. Never ever do that!”

Deal. I won't.
You know, I re-read our old chats. They were so interestingly funny and silly. I got embarrassed. From the words, I realized how cold and rude I was. I definitely tried my best not to show my tendency. And annoyingly, I was too pushy when I had a need. A perfect character of a villainess.

On the contrary, I could sense effort from his. Why didn’t I do the same? Well, I didn’t know how.  Besides, there are a lot of what-if. I was just insecure. Consequently, I didn’t think I have any obligation to nurture that situationship.

Fast forward to 2020, I had to finish my final thesis. And I was late for more than a year to graduate. For someone like me, it was a massive torture to see my friends easily graduated one by one while I struggled with hurdles. I was messed up, and the pandemic hit. I was a failure, who didn’t deserve any good, including his attention. That was what I thought.

“Did you think, why didn’t he leave me like others?”

Yes! I snapped. I got angry just because of a wassup greeting. I thought, just leave me alone. I don’t deserve his words nor time. And, of course He deserves better person. I was dealing with levels of stress that I couldn't regulate. I was essentially 'emotionally blind,' and couldn't appreciate any connection properly.  I was just trying to survive the day. That thought led me to a lie.

“That was creatively stupid, considering your way to cut-off.”

Right?? I didn’t know either. Why am I so good at chase people away? What was in my mind at that time? I wonder. I cannot recall. But one thing for sure about is. I was so messed up, to the point that thinking straight was somehow impossible.

“What’s next?”

I just hope that this insecurity of mine doesn’t spread like a plague. I want to stop it. I want to say that, please don’t take those words personally. It’s true that some of his jokes weren’t my liking. But, you know, even a stand-up comedian sometimes fails, right? It doesn’t really matter. Sometimes, people find something funny is influenced by their mood. So Please don’t get discourage.

Second, it was not his fault that I lied. By all means. It was my incapability to regulate my emotion. And at that time, I was so illiterate about those stuffs.  So, for me personally, it was not true that he is an awkward and boring. Bet me. I will be the winner if there were this competition. But, anyway, in this era where people are surrounded by high load of stimuli, some dosages of boredom is somehow necessary.
I believe that there are people who are boring and interesting at the same time in an eccentric way. For example, "Me"?

“ Okay, okay. Stop there. you've convinced me!
 What about now? Do you think you are capable of self-regulation.”

Hmm. I suppose, I am better at it? But I am still learning. And it’s still not easy to express all of these. But I really think this time, I need to express myself.  

“Next, why did you say that he was overconfident? “

That was because, he claimed that someone’s life is messed up because of him. My words - they were just an honest opinion? This life has already been hard to begin with? I don’t think it’s because of him I suffered. It’s just life. I don’t think I need to explain this, right?

“No! It was rude. Overconfident has negative connotation.”

Ups. I guess, I need to learn how to communicate like a human to Gemini, or ChatGPT? I thought I get better. But sometimes, I am too blunt and childish?

“It’s a shame. But, I guess that might help. Keep going. Ask Gemini to teach you. Then it’s  true that your communication styles are like apples and oranges?”

This one, perhaps it’s true. Yet, is it actually a problem? Human characters are versatile, right? It’s just natural to be different, we just need to adjust sometimes. On the flipside, diversity is beautiful, indeed. No doubt. But if he think the difference is too much to handle. It can’t be helped then.

 “Okay, anything else? Is that all?”

No, not finish yet. I would like to apologize for every single mistake I made including the last questions I asked him. Sorry for not being able to give proper responses. I regulate slowly, since I am still working on it. It felt like being rejected, even though I was the one who dare him. But, after I reflected, I decide that there was option C. Being a friend.  I couldn’t afford to lose this precious friend. He is too kind to be cut off.

I know that he doesn’t need any words, but let me do this for the sake of my self-expression (Since I love myself so much). And it’s my blog anyway. I just need another miracle so he might come to this.

“I warn you. That is the only expectation you should have.”

Haha, It can’t be helped. I didn’t know either how it ended up that way. I didn't expect anything, it is just the way I cope. Since the first miracle has happened, I have nothing to lose. It doesn’t matter if I try to push my luck again, right?  By the way, I am curious how and why did he visit this sacred blog?
I’d like to say, “Please stop doing it if you want to move on.”

But, in case he is struggling to move on, has some curiosity left, or changes mind, I am still open until the next update. Yet, I am not into casual steady or dating. Just let me know, come and let’s have a real talk. If he would. But have a feeling that it won't happen. People tend to get an irk after knowing an anomaly. 

“You sound expecting something again. Any tendency?”

I accept everything. Expectation? I expect the best for my dear self. For my tendency? I hold myself in the middle even though sometimes I’m swayed by malicious whispers. I try to be accountable, objectively assess and walk accordingly. I can move away anytime. Yet, I don't want to miss a chance.  Give myself a thrilling experience maybe not a bad idea.

My orientation now is following Allah’s guidance. I am weak and I realize that I am sinful. So, let me just walk on the right path, wait and see whatever this life serves me.

“Alright, What do you feel right now?”

I am relieved and liberated. Hopefully, it can be a peaceful revelation. Nothing would actually change since we don’t actually ever meet. However, I am definitely grateful if this piece of revelation can bring a piece of peace inside.

I do wish him a happy life, meet someone capable. And once more, I’d like to appreciate him for the time, lesson, and efforts. I cannot thank him enough. 

“I guess you have express yourself enough?"

Definitely, Yessh.

"Well done.”